Cotillion is definitely out of the question. An intimate dinner with family, 'though I couldn't believe that, because my brother around, well... Isaw with friends. Eat out somewhere with another set of friends. Lunch with orgmates (that I didn't plan on attending).

So what's with being 18 anyway? I still look like 16. I act like 12. But i think like I'm 20.

Can i drive? I don't have a car. Live on my own? Ayoko nga... Boyfriend? Hindi ba dati pa...?

By the way, I'm changing my blog. But you people can still visit here, of course.

Oh well, happy birthday, Apple! Pumasok ka na, traffic na naman sa UP!

Ay ano ba naman dito sa Calapan, i think I'm going to lose my sanity... Look it this way, no TV (just found out that our TV is wrecked for months), no internet, of course. Yesterday, nawalan ng kuryente. Really, I thought I'm gonna lose it. Buti na lang, my friends came over and we had this huge food trip sa Greenwich. Biro mo ba naman yon, may Greenwich na sa Calapan. Hahaha...

Hmmm ano pa ba? Ay, yung favorite kong tito, binigyan ako ng duyan (hammock). I'd like to call it 'pampatamad' 'though... Promise, wala akong magawa talaga sa bahay. Nakakaubos naman ng pera ang internet dito, P40/hour. Grabe. Buti na lang punta akong Puerto Galera bukas, org event ng PSYSC. Saya!

Ano pa ba? Ay grabe pala ang kwento dito sa Calapan. Si ganito, tinaas daw ang palda ni ganyan. Si ganon, nagbunga ang ipinunla kay ganire. Ano ba!? Hindi ba dapat ako pa ang maging ganito dahil sa liberal na paaralan ako napapunta?! Hehe, natatawa lang uli ako...

OK, walang kwenta. Alis na ako before i go completely bonkers here... 

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Damn this thing. Yeah, this very thing. Major fuck.

I'm going home tomorrow. Bon voyage to me. See you in a few, crazy bloggie.

I am a shock absorber. I'm a good listener. I boost your ego. I know these things, and you people should know, too!

Pwede ba ako naman ang pakinggan nyo?!

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apple. angsts. lies. discontentment. failure. in tears. sleepless. anooying. crazy. insane. wild. fooled. betrayed. old. hatred. hurt. lost. forever. mess. young woman. in love. weird. waits. infuriated but calm. lives a non-existent life. emotional torture. no more rooms for dreams.

I can't sleep. I'm again facing my PC, not knowing what to do. Not knowing what to think.

Four things are bugging my mind.

One, someone just hanged up on me. Well, not exactly. Basta.

Two, Chuck wants me to roleplay something for our final presentation in Comm 3. A role I do not like. Akala ko ba may academic freedom sa UP!? Pucha, I was oppressed! So that's why he was being so nice to me and all that. He's being nice because he'd offer me something that I couldn't refuse. Damn!

Three, I am getting bored with this blog. That error dialog box keeps on appearing whenever I click to bold or italics or link or image. I have lots of plans to beautify this site pa naman. My blog's bound to be a blah. Think I'll switch to another one?

Four, hindi pa ako natutulog. Mag-aalas dose na ng umaga. Ang sakit na ng mata ko. Pupunta pa ako ng Greenhills bukas. All alone. Ang hilig kasing gumala, pag ako naholdap, wala ng Apples, Angsts and...

Magpakamatay na lang kaya ako.

Apple's Top Five:

Must-Trys:

5) Go Nuts! Donuts - Philippines' Krispy Kreme version
4) Chicken roll with mushroom gravy, Bowls and Platters, CASAA
3) Sbarro's Ziti with meat sauce - ahhh sinful...
2) McDo's Hashbrowns - swabe sa umaga :)
1) Super Bowl of China's Crispy Lemon Chicken - boneless chicken with the tangy taste of lemon. yumm...

Must-Sees (on TV):

5) Blind Date
4) Survivors All Stars
3) Fifth Wheel
2) Star Circle Quest
1) CSI Las Vegas

Must-Reads:

5) Almost Married by Tara FT Sering - local chick lit
4) Seventeen Philippines - every college girl's bible
3) ABNKKBSNPLAko by Bob Ong - hilarious chalk stories
2) CANDY Mag - my best friend just got better
1) Life Strategies for Teens!

Must-Haves:
5) Clinique Happy perfume
4) PC, dapat may access sa WWW ;)
3) a trusty cellphone, SMS capable, of course
2) Lightweight, blue Adidas slides
1) Comfy, white tees - so crazy about them!

Told you, wala akong magawa...

Second year college na ako? Totoo ba 'to? Dati hinahanap ko lang kung nasan ang Room A102, sa Mass Comm pala yun. Hmm parang ayoko ah, being a freshie will forever remain in my heart. Pero masaya ako, kinaya ko lahat - i survived! Yebah! But i wouldn't be here right now without the support of my:

1) MA and PA - Iniiyakan ko sila kasi miss ko na sila. Kay Mama, naku laging ready allowance ko. Hehe... Si Papa, i know he's always be here for me.

2) ATE at KUYA - Grade four pa lang ako, iniwan na ako ng dalawang 'to. At ngayon, eto, i have to live with them whether I like it or not. OK naman, pag kasama mo si Kuya, hindi ka magugutom. He secretly dreams of being a chef kaya areglado lagi food namin ni Ate. Si Ate rin, laging may dalang cake o exotic foods galing sa Hotel, tsalap-tsalap.

3) PEYUPS - Tangina, hindi ko alam yung TBA kung hindi dahil sa kanya. You rock, peyups! Siyempre dyan pumapasok ang aking fellow friendshies. Si xeean - my sister online. Si jerwin - my partner in crime online. Si nina - my kachika during my Philo 11 class. At maraming-marami pang iba. Thanks talaga sa kanila!

In 17 years, today is the only time that I experienced something like this - the supernatural ek-ek. Today's the last day of class, Soc Sci 1 was my last subject for today, naturally, I was so eager na matapos na ang lahat! Haay tapos na... But no. Ahh just read on.

Sa Palma Hall Annex, Third Floor, Room 309 located ang Psych AVR.

My classmates were discussing about child abuse and they did it in this creative, funny way na tumawa na lang kami ng tumawa. Think nire-rape na batang lalakeng umaatungal na ang nangre-rape sa kanya ay mas maliit pa sa kanya. Although we know that child abuse is something that is not to be taken lightly of. Because it's a major ish, we couldn't help but joked about the whole presentation. Anyway, tapos na ang presentation. Nakakatawa pa rin. Hahahaha! Ang ingay. And this was when the mystery began... The TV. Lumalabas na lang bigla yung volume. My teacher asked, "Na-kanino yung remote control?" No one answered. Tawa ang klase. Something's up here. In my mind, "Aba, kanina pang lumalabas yung volume counter ah. Wala naman palang humahawak ng remote control". I felt a bit uneasy na, nasa unahan pa naman ako, kitang-kita ko na lumalabas yung volume counter throughout the presentation. At akala ko may nagco-control lang. Freaky...

Patay na ang TV. It suddenly turned on. Di ba when you see a red button light, you know that it's turned on. The TV pa naman was not your typical TV na pag bumukas, you'd see a program ng isang TV network. Ang lumalabas ay yung gray blurry thing with the kzzzzzztttt sound. Think The Ring nung lumabas sa screen si Sadako. So who turned on the TV!? No one knew where the remote control was! Everyboy's yelling na. The boys were howling. Ahhh nakakaloko talaga! It was broad daylight, for God's sake! 12:53 PM in the afternoon. Fucking freaky...

The class was chaotic, then in a while, we relaxed. The teacher came in front, talked to the class - she said that child abuse was not something to be laughed about. We all agreed. She also talked to whatever that is, that's making the TV act in a weird way... Nagso-sorry siya, ang ingay daw kasi ng mga students niya. I was still eyeing the TV, baka kasi bumukas uli. My seatmate Aiyin told me that she'd run out of the room if the TV turned on again by itself.

Ma'am Flores: "Tapos na ang ating Soc Sci 1 class na enjoy na enjoy at may memorable ending pa (referring to the sudden turning on of the TV)" nang biglang, yup, you guessed it. The TV was again turned on. By who? We did not know. Nagsisigawan na. Akala pa ni Ma'am, nagbibiro lang ako. I was the first to scream. I saw the red light flashing and then came the blurry screen. More screams. "SERYOSO, NASAN NA YUNG REMOTE CONTROL?!" Aiyin and I were the first ones to stepped out of the room. Wow, I'm having goosebumps just thinking about the incident. Outside, my classmates talked about it. "Sira lang yung TV." "Pwede ba namang masira yun na ganon ang mangyari?!"

Now reminiscing what happened, hindi kaya na abuse nung bata pa yung soul na gumagawa non samin. Kasi pinagtatawanan namin yung issue ng child abuse. That's so freaky talaga and I thought hindi na ako magkaka-experience ng ganon. I wasn't even prepared!

One more thing, I have to spent three (or four or five) more freaking years in that AVR. Gardemit!

I want to be a writer. Not the kind who wears a beaded eyeglass chain around her neck and sits and types all day with a cat on her lap. I want to be like Carrie Bradshaw who lives in a New York apartment with her own Apple computer and weekly column about sex, relationship and life. Or maybe J.K. Rowling who tells the beautiful and tragic story of young Harry Potter. I want to write words that impact people, make them cry, laugh or shudder.

Some days, though, I just want to sit in front of my PC and surf the net like there's no tomorrow.

I want to go to Baguio and feel its cold atmosphere, piney scent and zig-zaggy roads. I want to eat strawberries and shop at Ukay-Ukay to my heart's content.

Most days, i want to be a doctor. A psychiatrist, especially. I want to wear a white lab gown and have hospital duties even on holidays. I want to alleviate patients' pain and sufferings without them knowing because they're asleep due to anaesthesia.

And then I want to dream, because by dreaming I can become an artist or the hottest teen sensation or anything else I want to be! In my own dream, I can become the star. I can leave this world for a moment because it's too crowded or scary. I can also talk to somene I miss or change a part of the past I regret.

But I think, maybe it's finishing these reflection papers that I want above all else.

I never thought my Comm 3 (Speech Fundamentals) class would be this fun until I came across Chuck. Yeah, i like speeches. Going up front and center gives me a certain 'high' plus i very much enjoy talking. Very.

OK, back to Chuck. He's a chinito (cute!) junior Stat major na medyo may pagka-conyo. Maskulado (sobra!) and with a golden voice (he trains for the UP Singing Ambassadors). It was this meeting last Thursday na idi-divide ang class into two groups for the final activity. I was having a chat with my groupmates when Chuck approached me. "Apple! Apple, I want to work with you...". Yan, yan ang eksaktong line nya. So what do you expect me to do? Siyempre ako naman, "Ah OK... But i want my groupmates to go with me." Ayan ang eksaktong line ko rin ha. Hindi naman ako magpapatalo ng Englis-an sa kanya diba? So ayun, that incident keeps on flashing in my mind for days. I mean, why would Chuck talk to me?! Hindi nga kami nag-uusap sa class. Hindi ko naman siya seatmate. I recall him mouthing 'good luck' when i went infront to deliver my speech. Pero he did that to everybody. And hey, I'm not assuming anything. My groupmates told me na crush daw ako ni Chuck. Nah. Baka natutuwa lang sakin yung tao... Maybe he thinks I'm like a little sister or something. Ayun, that's what I'm exactly ranting about! Everyone thinks I'm cute! I don't want to look cute... I want to look nice. Or pretty. Ano ako teddy bear?! Gusto ko naman yung medyo lady-like. I'm not exactly a kid. For Pete's sake, I'll be 18 in April! OK, enough.

Kanina, Comm 3 class uli. Group meeting. I was sitting beside Chuck. Maingay siya. He's full of ideas. Ako medyo kimi pa pero wag ka, after a couple of minutes, lumabas na ang amplifier ng lola! I was making this suggestion where everybody laughed! Hahaha! Alam nyo ang sabi ni Chuck ha? Ha? "I like you! I like you! You're a realist." Take note, his hand was on my left shoulder. Good thing naka-cheek cream blush ako non, kung hindi, halatang-halata ang pagba-blush ko... My groupmate Jen was eyeing me. She knew. Natawa na lang ako.

Hindi pa diyan natatapos. After the class, mga five na lang kami sa loob ng room, including me and Chuck. He talked to me and gave me something (hindi ko sasabihin kung ano. har har!). I was hesitant but I accepted it na rin. Sabi pa niya, he wished that I'd do my best daw para sa group presentation namin. Siyempre ako naman oo agad. And i smiled sweetly. Too sweet for me, i think...

Ayokong i-interpret ang actions nya. Baka they don't mean anything naman talaga. At P.S. hindi ko crush si Chuck (baka siya oo. hehe...) I hope hindi niya mabasa 'to. He's in my friendster list pa naman. Har har!